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Pug Humor

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You Know You Love Your Pug When.......

bulletYou have more pugs beds then guest chairs.
bulletYou cancel your vacation to Cancun when you see the look on their faces as you're packing.
bulletYou kiss your husband when he comes home from work, with pug hair stuck in your lipstick.
bulletYou'd rather smell pug puppy breath than a bouquet of roses.
bulletThe doctor asks you about the bruises on the back of your knees.
bulletYou don't set the alarm clock anymore, the "thump, thump, thump" or collar jingles wake you every time.
bulletOr you wake up with a smushy black nose holding a metal dish 1/2" from your face.
bulletYou never get to sleep in on weekends because they don't understand that concept.
bulletYou thank them for bringing you the tennis ball that just came out of the toilet.
bulletOr the dead squirrel (add your own word here..... pine cones, snowballs, neighbor s chickens,etc) that they bring to your bed in the morning.
bulletRake the pug hair to the edge of the walls for insulation in the winter.
bulletYou sleep in the pug bed so you don't have to disturb them to kick them out of your bed.
bulletCall your answering machine to leave your pug a message.
bulletWear a miner’ s lamp to make it to the bathroom at night so as to not step on anyone.
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Excercises To Do With Your Pug

bulletCouch Crunch- while on hands and knees, shove couch over about a foot, lie prone, stretch arm underneath to retrieve ball that pug batted under there. Repeat every 5 minutes, alternating arms, until pug is bored.
bulletRain shuffle weight training -- when raining or crossing wet sidewalk, hoist reluctant pug and run to potty area. Repeat on way back to house.
bulletAbs of fur -- lie on back on floor, preparing to ab crunch. Pug will crunch for you by landing on said abs, causing you to exhale fully. Great for working out lungs. Repeat until you pass out from oxygen deprivation.
bulletPug-step aerobics -- with food in hand, race across house to answer phone while dodging pug running between your legs. Repeat with cat, toddler.
bulletGarbage fling -- attempt to put anything in the trash can before pug can grab it and race all over the house. Excellent for cross training, involving running, throwing and extreme lungpower.
bulletShameless repetition of these exercises will not only tone your body, but will work out your sense of humor, stretch your patience and cause loss of hundreds of unsightly brain cells.

--Sharon in Redwood City, CA

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The Official Dog Enthusiast's DON'T List

DON'T let your dog sleep in your bed.  It will cause aggression problems down the road.
DON'T make your dog sleep in a crate.  Crate is just another word for small cage.
DON'T let your dog sleep outside at night.  If God had wanted dogs to sleep outside, he would have covered their body with hair to keep them warm.
DON'T let your dog sleep.  You should be playing with him all the time.
DON'T keep more than two dogs.  Each individual dog requires considerable time and energy, and it is impossible for a responsible dog owner to spend quality time with more than two dogs.
DON'T keep less than five dogs.  Dogs are pack animals, and five dogs is the minimum number for proper socialization.
DON'T feed your dog kibble.  Kibble is the invention of evil capitalists who want your money, and kibble has no nutritional value whatsoever.  You might as well feed your dog sawdust.
DON'T cook your dog's meat or chicken.  Cooking destroys all the nutrients.
DON'T feed your dog raw meat or raw chicken.  Raw food contains salmonella, e-coli, and other harmful bacteria.
DON'T let your dog drink out of a plastic bowl.  It will turn his nose pink.
DON'T post messages to a dog list.  You will surely get bopped on the head for thinking that someone else cares about your silly little opinions.
DON'T lurk on a dog list.  Everyone will know you are a weenie.
DON'T un-subscribe from a dog list.  As soon as you do, everyone will start talking about that tacky dress you wear in the ring.
DON'T poke your eye with a sharp stick.  It has nothing to do with dogs, but it's a good rule nonetheless.
DON'T microchip your dog.  A nearby cell phone can cause a microchipped dog to explode, or so says the lady running the tattoo booth.
DON'T tattoo your dog on the ear.  A dog thief will cut off the tattooed ear.
DON'T tattoo your dog on the thigh.  He'll be a tripod before you can say Ginsu.
DON'T keep a collar on your dog when unattended.  He could get caught on something and choke.
DON'T leave your dog unattended without a collar.  He could run away without any identification.
DON'T let your dog run off-lead in the woods without an e-collar.  He might start chasing a rabbit and never come back.
DON'T ever use an e-collar on your dog.  How would you like to be strapped to an electric chair in a Florida prison?
DON'T transport your dog in a plastic crate.  Plastic crates don't allow sufficient air flow.
DON'T transport your dog in a wire crate.  In a car accident, a wire crate transforms into a doggie skewer.  On days you plan to have a car accident, it ís acceptable to use a plastic crate. But, don't use a plastic crate and then come home without any major bodywork needed, or you're in deep doo doo.
DON'T let your dog drive. I t's against the law in many states.
DON'T let your dog run around intact.  Spay/neuter are the best form of birth control, and they reduce the chances for some types of cancer.
DON'T spay or neuter your dog.  How would you like it if someone cut off your family jewels?
DON'T enter your dog in conformation. It's b-o-r-i-n-g for the dog.
DON'T enter your dog in obedience.  It's B-o-r-i-n-g with a capital B.
DON'T enter your dog in agility.  The jumps will injure his joints.
DON'T hunt with your dog.  Dead birds are yucky.
DON'T send your dog out with a handler.  Only a psychopath would send their beloved pet with a complete stranger.
DON'T handle your dog yourself.  You've got a great dog, and he deserves a much better handler than you will ever be.
DON'T get a purebred dog.  Too much inbreeding has produced dogs with temperament and health problems.
DON'T get a mutt. You don't know anything about their pedigree.  In fact, if you're thinking about getting a dog, get a cat instead.
DON'T don't.  That's right, you heard me, just don't!
DON'T give your dog a subscription to Dog World.  He will pretend to read the articles, but will drool on the pictures of nude bitches instead.
DON'T make whoopee with your significant other while your dog is in the room.  It will mess up his head.  It will confuse the dog as well.
DON'T make whoopee with your dog.  What, you need a reason for this one?
DON'T shave your dog in the summer.  The other dogs will laugh and call him names, and he'll never be invited to play any reindeer games.
DON'T leave your dog's dewclaws intact.  He will rip one off jumping a log or something, which is quite painful.
DON'T remove your dog's dewclaws.  Dewclaws are acupuncture points that are needed for proper functioning of the kidneys.
AND, the #1 DON'T....DON'T trim your dog's whiskers.  Dogs use their whiskers to determine the size of their head, which is important when they are out shopping for a new hat.     :-)

--- Dr Cathy Priddle

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The Day Before Christmas

'Tis the day before Christmas, and all through the house
The puggies are squeaking an old rubber mouse.
The wreath which had merrily hung on the door
Is scattered in pieces all over the floor.
The stockings that hung in a neat little row,
Now boast a hole in each one of the toes.
The tree was subjected to bright-eyed whims,
And now, although splendid, it's missing some limbs.
I catch them and hold them, be good I insist.
They lick me, then run off to see what they've missed.
And now as I watch them, the thought comes to me,
That theirs is the spirit that Christmas should be.
Should Children and Puggies yet show us the way,
And teach us the joy that should come with this day?
Could they bring the message that's written above,
And tell us that, most of all, Christmas is love!

- Author Unknown

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Almost as Good As Your Dog

If you can start the day without caffeine-
If you can get going without pep pills-
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains-
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles-
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it-
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time
If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when,
through no fault of yours, something goes wrong-
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment-
If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him-
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend-
If you can face the world without lies and deceit-
If you can conquer tension without medical help-
If you can relax without liquor-
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs-
If you can say honestly that deep in your heart
you have no prejudice against creed, color, religion or politics-

Then you are ALMOST as good as your dog.

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The Top 10 Ways You Know That
Martha Stewart Is Stalking Your Dog

10. There's potpourri hanging from his/her collar.
9. The dog's nails have been cut with pinking shears.
8. The dog toys are all stored in McCoy crocks.
7. The pooper scooper has been decorated with raffia.
6. That telltale lemon slice in the new silver water bowl.
5. You find liver and whole wheat dog treats stamped out with copper cookie cutters and decorated with royal icing using a #2 rosette tip.
4. Dog hair has been collected and put into wire baskets for nesting material for the birds.
3. A seasonally appropriate grapevine wreath adorns the front of your dog's crate.
2. Your dog goes outside naked and comes in wearing a thyme colored virgin wool hand knitted sweater with matching boots.

AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY YOU KNOW THAT
MARTHA STEWART IS STALKING YOUR DOG IS...

1. The dog droppings in your backyard have been sculpted into swans.

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You Know You Are A Dog Person If...

1. You read a newspaper article by pieces in the front yard and don't think there's anything strange about doing this.
2. Your dog brings a dead bird/squirrel into the kitchen and generously gives it to you with a big smile. You say "For me? Thank you." and take it for granted it is just another day.
3. City officials come to your home and say "Your dogs are barking." And you can't figure out what the problem is.
4. You buy a $20.00 stuffed toy and within an hour you find toy stuffing all over the yard. You and the dogs bow your heads in silent prayer.
5. You use your down payment for a new van to have cataract surgery on your old dog and drive the van you have for 3 more years.  (What good is a new van if she can't see out the window?)
6. You look at every poop in your yard before you pick it up making your neighbors think you are weird. (What is even better is the looks on their faces when you stuff the really fresh doodie into a palstic bag for safe keeping until you can get to the vet's.)
7. You wake in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and your feet hit a wet spot. You look at the dog in bed with you and he looks at you like "Not me!...Must have been one of the other dogs."
8. Your friends invite you to a fun night out at the dinner theater and you say no because you would rather be home grooming your dogs.  Or the new subscription from a dog magazine came and you want to read it.
9. And after 3 and a half hours of grooming you let that beautiful creature out to go potty before bedtime and he turns and looks back at you, all clean and pretty, he smiles a little smile that warms your heart so deeply that words can never say. A picture you will remember forever. When the dog comes back in you realize he has been rolling in the dead bird/squirrel you thought you carefully buried that morning.
10. Last, but not least, you are on an email list with other dog people and each one of them feels like more than family.

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The Proper Way To Cook With Dog Hair
--by Mary E. Wolley

     Do you remember the last time you had company for dinner and how embarrassed you were when you dug several dog hairs from your best gourmet effort? This is because there is a right and a wrong way to cook with dog hairs.
     First, we must remember each dish calls for a different variety.   If you are unfortunate enough to own only one variety, I'm sure you can come up with a friend who will be willing to exchange the proper variety of hair with you or one could even send off an order for a rare variety as they are light and easy to mail. 
     There are many dishes that are basic to most menus and these can always be spiced up with the buff variety. Which are especially useful when baking biscuits, pastries and yellow cakes.  The black and tan hairs go well with fall dishes, Thanksgiving turkey, mince or pumpkin pies or even yams.  Black, of course is for your roasts, steaks, ribs and hearty dishes, including stews, which carry blacks well.   Naturally chocolate will go well with most desserts, unless it is a very light Jell-O type dessert, then go back to the silver buff. 
     If you are especially interested in foreign foods, most varieties can be used in Mexican, Japanese and Chinese cooking. In fact, any nationality food will accept most dog hairs without hurting the flavor.  A good rule of thumb to remember which dog hairs go with which dish is--use them as you would a good wine--white wine and light hair with the delicate dishes, dark wine and dark hair with the more robust, heartier dishes.  Use your dog hairs in good health! 
Comment overheard at a dog show:  "One sure way to tell a real dog person, if we find a human hair in our food, we immediately say 'Oh Yuck, I can't eat that, it had a hair in it'.  If it's dog, we flick it out and go right on eating, think about it!"

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How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?


ROTTWEILER:  Just one.  You want to make something of it?
DOBERMAN:  Immediately decides to change the brand of light bulb and find a more efficient form of lighting perhaps a fluorescent bulb.
AUSTRALIAN SHEPHERD:  One, but just "try" to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.
JACK RUSSELL TERRIER:  Two, but the job never gets done -- they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!
BULLDOG:  Just one.  But it takes them three years to do it.
POMERANIANS don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a German Shepherd in to do the job for them while they're out.
PUG:  Er, two.  Or maybe one.  No -- on second thought, make that two.  Is that OK with you?
GOLDEN RETRIEVER:  The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
AFGHAN:  Light bulb?  What light bulb?
CAT:  I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.
SHIBA-INU:  Zero!  Shibas aren't afraid of the dark!
SCHIPPERKE:  It's your light bulb -- change it yourself.  Unless.....   Is there food involved??
POODLE:  Sorry, Just had my nails done.
BEAGLE:  How many cookies do I get?
WEIMARANER:  What??  Light bulb?  You want ME to change a LIGHT BULB?
LAB:  Why change it?  The darker it is, the longer I can sleep.
BASENJI:  LIGHT BULB? We don't change no stinking light bulbs!
MALAMUTE:  Let *him* do it.  You can pet me while he's busy.
BOXER:  If I could stop wiggling my butt long enough to quit falling off the chair.......
AMERICAN BULLDOG: One. JUMP, remove bulb, land.  JUMP, replace bulb, land.  Two:  What light bulb, So?  We can play in the dark.
GOLDEN RETRIEVER:  "I'll be glad to change the light bulb for you, but first can't we play catch with the tennis ball, or Frisbee -- and then I want to lick your face and rest my head in your lap and look up at you with my sad eyes.  What, you're changing the light bulb yourself -- you didn't have to do that -- but I looooove you so much for being my friend and doing that."
DALMATIAN:  Just one, but it will really hate the new bulb.
ROTTWEILER:  I'll change the light bulb if I can eat the old one.
CORGI:  I can't reach the stupid lamp!
SPRINGER:  Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
STANDARD POODLE:  None.  Go get human, sit under it, look up and point it out -- then go lie down in disgust that it took solong.
BORDER COLLIE:  Just one.  And he'll rewire the house while he's at it.
WOLFDOG:  Let me see that light bulb, anyway.  What's it made of, what's inside of it, what will happen if I drop it. I might change it, but let me think about it.  You're not trying to tell me what to do, are you?  Hey, I just had a great idea.  I think I'll change that light bulb!
GERMAN SHEPHERD:  "I'm kinda busy right now!  I have to chase the cat, protect the kids, herd the horses, beg for food and takea nap.  I'll add the light bulb to my "To Do" list...."
DACHSHUND:  Well, first get me a ladder and a treat...... no, you took too long.  I want TWO treats and I'll do it.........No, not that treat, the other kind.  Geez.......... do I have to do everything?  (of course, followed by "the look".)
IRISH SETTER:  It only takes one, but it will put in a really dim bulb.
PIT BULL TERRIER:  Jump and take hold of old light bulb. Now, let go of old light bulb........  I said LET GO OF  LIGHT BULB!  Please????  Let go of the light bulb??????   Let go?

Top Ten Depressing Thoughts Your Dog Has

10.     I haven't felt as attractive since that doctor surgically removed my sex organs.
9.      Oh god, he's going to make me chase that damn frisbee again.
8.      I'm 63 years old and my name is 'Waffles'.
7.      What if the computers at Alpo can't handle the Y2K bug?
6.      If I ever catch the idiot who invented 'fetch' I'm gonna bite his arm off.
5.      You're serving me Cycle 5? Oh, just put me to sleep already.
4.      How would he like it if I called myself Snoop Humany Human?
3.      Maybe 'CATS' is 'now and forever'.
2.      Adam Sandler makes $20 million a film and I'm drinking out of a toilet.
1.       Ted Danson has another series?

 

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Last Updated: 11/19/02
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